A Modest Proposal From A Modest Man


September 7, 2015
By:  The Mogambo Guru

I am, I modestly admit, a modest man. A modest man who just happens to be a powerhouse economic genius, a towering, incandescent intellect whose every idle utterance is brilliant, unalloyed cosmic wisdom wrapped in pure gold.

To back up my seemingly boastful claim, I present a piece of my immortal advice (as just one of many pearls of profound wisdom found in the classic book, Economica Mogambo), “If you’re not buying gold and silver bullion in times like these, then you’re a moron! Moron!”

With impressive credentials like this, I am constantly puzzled as to why so few heads of state or benevolent overlords from outer space grovel and kneel before me, imploring me to set things economically aright.  If they did, I would sagely say “Round up the Keynesian trash infesting the economic system! It is they who have commanded the Federal Reserve to flood the economy with excess cash and credit, lo these many decades! Haul their worthless carcasses to a dank and dreaded dungeon!  Then gloriously back, back, back to the blissful happiness of a stable money-supply, guaranteed by the gold standard! And then Very Bad Things (VBT) like these will never, ever, ever, never in a million, jillion years, happen again!”  

Of course, the hate mail rudely decrying my overwhelming brilliance is usually more of a, shall we say, personal nature.  As in “I hate your guts because you are always touting gold and silver, and (pick one: I, my mother, a sibling, a distant relative, a friend, a neighbor, people I vaguely know, people I heard about, complete strangers, dead people) idiotically followed your stupid advice, and have lost money the whole time!

“And don’t,” they usually continue, “give me/us/them a lot of explanatory crap about the evil Federal Reserve creating the oceans of cash and credit that created the unsustainable bubbles in stocks, bubbles in bonds, bubbles in houses, bubbles in debt, and bubbles in sizes of governments, and that the reason that gold and silver are NOT reacting like they should in the face of such incomprehensible monetary and fiscal insanity is because the greedy, evil Federal Reserve and the corrupt-to-the-core government actually admitted that they control all the markets (which they are allowed to do, according to corrupt laws the corrupt government passed to allow them to do illegal things!!!).  because that is just too, too complicated!”

As a result, I’ve been staying holed up, seething in anger, in the Mogambo Bunker Of Paranoid Rage (MBOPR) to get away from these hateful people, plus continue to distance myself from nosy neighbors, government spies, and children and spouses who want me to partake in some stupid “family activity” where I would have to be around them all day, where you can’t even have a decent conversation with anybody.

For example, (trying to get into the spirit of “family outing”), I innocently ask “Well, what do you think of the evil Federal Reserve, and how they have utterly destroyed America and, by extension, the world?”

Instead of having a nice, relaxing discussion about monetary policy and its incestuous relations with government’s fiscal policies, they lamely say “Please don’t! We don’t want to talk about that today! Today we are just a happy family on a pleasant little outing! Let’s talk about how much fun we are having, and how nice the weather is and how blue the sky, and how it is so nice just to be with each other! Please, daddy?”

Naturally, sensing a trap, I reply “You don’t want to talk about the economic horrors about to descend upon us, thanks to the evil Federal Reserve not only creating excess cash and credit, decade after decade, and forcing other central banks to do the same thing, and committing the outrageous central-bank sin of actually monetizing debt, but also actually providing the financing for the government to control every freaking market in the Whole Freaking Country (WFC), maintain the bubbles at tremendous and painful cost? What are you, some kind of morons?”

Well, to show you their woeful lack of conversational skills, the “conversation” immediately went downhill, them calmly denying that they are morons, and that, instead (get this!) it is ME that is the moron!  Me!

Of course, if they don’t want to make a scene in public, that is fine with me, as it makes me much more dominating when I am screaming “No, I will NOT ‘settle down’ and stop embarrassing you because YOU’RE the morons, you MORONS, and I am embarrassed to have a family that can’t be outraged at the infamy of the Federal Reserve and their ludicrous Keynesian excuse for insane, suicidal, large-scale, long-term expansions of the money supply that will destroy us all, which will be (checking my watch) any minute now! Morons! MORONS, I tells ya!”

So, why put myself through the hassle? But staying the Mogambo Bunker Of Paranoid Rage (MBOPR), plotting the simultaneous overthrow of all the governments of the world and putting me, Emperor Mogambo (“All hail Emperor Mogambo!”), in charge, is not as easy as I had hoped.

So, I have decided to be “part of the solution, not part of the problem.”

My solution: To spend incomprehensible amounts of money, I will convince the government, through the Fed’s monetizing of more debt, to fund the technology for Gigantic Perpetual-Motion Machines (GPMM), founded on the bedrock principles of Keynesian economics instead of physics.

In Keynesian economics, they ignore the inconvenient fact every time in all of history when any dirtbag government so drastically increased the money supply, it ended in disaster.

In my new GPMM program, we will ignore the inconvenient facts that perpetual motion is impossible and that the technologies necessary for such a preposterous device are likewise impossible.

Nevertheless, it will be magnificent, expensive program of constructing gigantic flywheels weighing a billion tons each, and the humongous axle will be supported by three tiny, almost frictionless, needle bearings. The theory is that the enormous momentum of a billion tons of rotating mass will so overwhelm the little bit of friction of the bearings that the inertia/drag ratio will approach infinity!

Okay, it’s insane by virtue of Newtonian physics and the technology could not possibly exist, but it is pure Keynesian economics!  How could it fail to goose the economy to health, except to not spend more and more money, all the time more and more money, until inflation in the prices of food and energy, and the deflation of overpriced assets, destroy us?

In the meantime, though, I suggest that you invest in gold and silver. Perpetual motion? Keynesian economics? Gold and silver? Only the latter two have never failed, whereas the two former have never succeeded, mostly because they can’t.

You want facts? There they are.

And how elegantly simple it makes things!

Whee! This investing stuff is easy!