Submission 10
By: JMR Ann H.
“US adds 209K jobs in July, unemployment rate rises
to 6.2%”. Junior Mogambo Rangers
(JMR) everywhere must climb into their bunkers. Surely this is the
sign we have all been waiting for. Where do these factoids come from,
and why aren’t they paired with the 204,304 applications for disability
in June? Or with the record high number of Americans over 16 who aren’t
participating in the work force (92,120,000)? If you do the math, I’m
told (since I won’t actually “do math” myself) then the net increase in
jobs is only 4696, which is a helluva lot less that 209K! Besides that,
these numbers are all pure fiction – made up by Pointy-Headed Federal
Workers (PHFW) who call managers and toss dice in their offices to
create the total façade of having “researched” the employment rate, when
in fact, they spend more time watching porn and using on-line
calculators to estimate the size of their own federal pension plans when
they retire. In June, according to BLS (which must stand for Bull
something…) “the labor force participation rate for December, April, May
and now June has been 62.8 percent.
The last time the labor force participation rate was this low was
in 1978, when Jimmy Carter was president.” Surely we should be shouting
in the streets “Hurrah-Hurrah”! Because if this recovery is going to be
as good as the Jimmy Carter years, then we are all freaking doomed!
I peak out from under my Reinforced Mogambo Crèche
(RMC) and notice that I have two or more 16+ year olds in my own house,
who do not participate in the work force. “Get your lazy butts out of
the house and find a job!” I shout at them in my best Mogambo voice. I
can tell immediately that my plan is working, because they slam the door
in my face and turn up the TV – no doubt to be able to properly hear the
infomercial about starting your own real estate business. They will make
millions selling houses to each other for bigger and bigger prices… Yes,
this could be good … I picture myself basking in the proceeds of my
suddenly-wealthy-beyond-all-my-dreams-even-though-I-dream-big-teenager’s
real estate business profits, in one of those 78 foot yachts, sipping a
cold beer, and dangling my feet in the lovely turquoise ocean as it
gently sweeps along the bow, rocking me to sleep while my Pasty White
Mogambo Skin (PWMS) soaks up the intense tropical sun, burning to a
sickening red, all the while saying “I told you so.” This is the Golden
Mogambo Retirement (GMR) that I have been waiting for. “What a miracle”,
I say to myself. After all, not only have I been screaming at the top of
my lungs to buy gold, silver and oil, and to protect yourself from the
coming economic doom, but I have also been totally unemployed,
procreating my own Generation Z spawn, and
living as an inert carbon blob! Now, I find,
Generation Z is not only going to bail out the Too-Big-to-Fail Wall
Street Banks (TBTFWSB), but is also going to fund a retirement for me
and all the JMRs who were too lazy or too stupid to save for their own
retirement! Never mind that
the evil TBTFWSBs and the FED have worked tirelessly to rob the JMRs of
their savings through the magic of inflation. Never mind that the FED
policy of near zero interest rates, means that seniors can’t protect
their savings and earn enough interest to buy cat food (let alone
support the lifestyle I intend to become accustomed to!) We will all be
rescued by that slovenly group of skill-less teenagers in my living
room, who have yet to show any aptitude at all for creating enough
wealth to pay their own cellphone bills, let alone pick up the tab of
IOUSA! How is this going to work, I ask you? We are all Freaking Doomed,
I answer!
So get your Mogambo Survival Kits (MSK), which
should include at least 10 cases of cold beer and an ample supply of
junk silver to buy those Taco Bell goodies you’re going to need, and
head for the bunkers! I am losing my Newly-Won Mogambo Patience (NWMP)
with the complete lack of attention to my astute and sometimes pointed
ravings, and with the media supporting the FED and their
unconstitutional, meddling policy of printing tons and tons of fiat
currency, drowning us all in a cesspool of inflated debt that we and our
miserable skill-less spawn can never pay off! As I wipe the spittle from
my keyboard, I reflect that I have been doling out my sage advice to you
for years now, but will you listen? Now is the time. Get into the
bunkers with your gold! What doesn’t fit you can send to me at once by
stashing it into a plain brown sack and mailing to MOGAMBO GURU, PO BOX
1234, IDIOT WAY, FL 33608. Hahahaha!
Submission 11
By: JMR Pete C.
Swan Lurk
I get a little annoyed at
people constantly telling me to ‘Get out more’. (‘Where?’ ‘Anywhere but
here!’). But just in case there could be something in this ‘get out
more’ stuff, I did! With, I am sorry to say, disastrous results!
In
order to distract myself from worrying, worrying, worrying about the
coming financial apocalypse caused by the looming and inevitable
collapse of government (‘short change!’) currencies, I took a trip to my
local park. And that’s when trouble came gliding into view (TCGIV)!
The
swan!
She
(the swan) was pretty enough as swans go, and, as you would expect,
unless you’ve been reading too much ‘popular economics’, white in
colour. Black swans being, in the normal way of things, limited to the
backwaters of (a) Australia, and (b), the aforementioned economics,
the well-named
‘dismal science’! In which dismal definition, a ‘black swan’ is a
metaphor for ‘things you can’t see coming because you don’t know they
even exist’ (TYCSCBYDKTEI)! So – getting back to the white swan – I was
somewhat surprised when it started talking to me, and explained that it
(she) was no ordinary swan, but was, in reality, a human princess! Some
rich, hot, and, as if that wasn’t enough, royal babe who had, because of
some evil spell stuff, become transformed into the said swan! Tragic for
her, perhaps, but not so tragic for me! Because, having read up on this
fairytale stuff, I at once realised that my true and noble love would be
enough to break the spell so that she (the swan) could be swiftly
restored to her natural, moneybags self (princess!). And things would
finally be on the up for yours truly!
To
think is to act! Quickly, I expressed my undying love and told my swan
princess that I would return for her after dark, when our tryst could
proceed free of prying eyes.
And it
did! The tryst! Proceed! In the dark park! All according to plan!
Or so I
thought!
I swore
the undying love stuff then gave my swan a kiss! Which should, I
thought, work the magic! But while I was waiting for her to change back
into something a little more princessy and creditworthy, it happened!
The disaster!
Because
here she was again! Twice! Here she came, even though I had thought she
was already right beside me, gliding smoothly but no doubt paddling
furiously underneath, and that’s when I suddenly realised… I HAD BEEN
TRYSTING WITH THE WRONG SWAN!!
Looking
more carefully, I now noticed with rising horror that the swan I had
taken for my beloved was, in fact, though still beautiful, black! An
alternate coloration I had somehow managed to miss in the darkness and
in my excitement! A black swan! A TYCSCBYDKTEI! I had been duped!
Abused! Hoodwinked! Like a duck to the slaughter!
Well,
‘feathers flew’!, and my princess was not a happy princess! Apparently
the TYCSCBYDKTEI was her evil sister! And I hadn’t noticed the
difference! And you know how tetchy sisters get about that! And, guess
what, it was all my fault! And now I should ‘get lost’!
And so
my dreams of a life on royal easy street, or ‘golden pond’, as it were,
were shattered! Shattered!
And the
point of me telling this story is so that I can warn all thinking
entities on planet Earth (ATEOPE) that these black swan TYCSCBYDKTEI
things are real! And sneaky! And that they can, as I
have just related, shatter your dreams!
And
there’s worse!
Now
that my mind is no longer befuddled by notions of swan-princess-powered
escape from financial serfdom (SPPEFFS), I shake in terror as I perceive
that we are standing up to our knees in a whole lake of the things!
Black swans aplenty! TYCSCBYDKTEI, frantically paddling closer! A whole
thundering herd! Closer! Closer!
Not
only do we have war, and rumours of war, and money-grabbing governments
trying to foment wars in order to distract their moron voters from their
multiple misdeeds (MGGTTFWIOTDFTMM). Not only do we have the inevitable
bankruptcy of the US,
the UK,
the Eurozone, and Japan (‘the West’), all flapping towards us!
But –
worst of all – the game is up with gold! Because, after at least 20
years (some people say 100 years) of brutally suppressing the gold price
(‘the canary in the gold mine’) in order to hoodwink moron voters about
the value of government-printed currency (zero! eventually! and, maybe,
soon!), and to cover up the mischief of printing far, far more ‘promises
to pay’ than can ever be paid, with stacks of bank notes piling up to
the moon and back (PUTTMAB) – the game, as I said, is up!
It
turns out that the foul and conniving central banks (FCCBs) have been
keeping the gold price artificially low by slyly and evilly selling
their gold into the market in a sort of ‘not 100 per cent honest’ way,
known as ‘leasing’! This ‘leasing’ in fact means lending it to evil,
conspiratorial bullion banks (ECBBs), who then sell it to the highest
bidder, while (nudge, wink!) agreeing with the FCCBs that they can get
their (people’s) gold back whenever they want it! Which, they both
further agree, is never! Hahahaha! The perfect crime (TPC)!
Meanwhile,
the gold (at everyday-lo prices!) is being gobbled up by mysterious and
inscrutable (inscrutable to FCCBs, that is!) Eastern types, such as
China and
Russia, who, coincidentally, are
getting snarky about having to support the death throes of the corrupt
US
empire by buying its worthless dollars every time they want to buy
something from somebody else!
Needless
to say, the cretins at the Federal Reserve (‘two words, two lies!’) and
their ilk see no problem with this gold ‘leasing’. Let the dumb
foreigners get the gold, while we stick to selling our infallible
promises!
The
only problem is that not everyone is fooled. Not even other dullard
Western central banks! Even some of the sinners repenteth! Such as the
Germans, who cheekily asked the Fed to return some of their gold (just
some of it!) that they’ve been holding for ‘safekeeping’.
But the
gold ain’t a-comin’!
The Fed
generously agreed to ship back just 300 of
Germany’s 1500 tonnes of
gold, over (get this) a mere eight years! Eight! (Bearing in mind the
Chinese imported 2,000 tonnes of gold last year, that we know about,
this shouldn’t be, to use a suitably scathing and fancypants word
(SSAFPW), ‘insuperable’!) (And also bearing in mind that if you asked
your neighbour to return your lawnmower, and he said he’d bring it back
in eight years, you might ask him to think again! Mucho pronto!
Somewhat!). But, after the first year, the Germans only got five tonnes
back! Five stinking tonnes! Hahahaha! Let that be a lesson to anyone
else who wants their gold back!
And now
- not at all seriously miffed! - the Germans say that they don’t even
want the rest of their gold back. Why? Because they’ve worked out that
it isn’t there! There ain’t no gold in them thar vaults! It’s gone!
Dumped (‘leased’), and gone!
And, getting back to the
theme of worse (and worst), there’s
still worse (and worst) to come! Because this gold suppression
swanfoolery doesn’t even count as a black swan anymore, because we’ve
seen it! The black swans to really worry about are the eponymous
TYCSCBYDKTEI – as I, for one, can attest! Have, indeed, already
attested! Holding you, with my glittering eye! So, keeping our minds for
a moment off the beautiful white swans parading serenely in front of us
(government inflation figures falling! Recovery strengthening! Everest
found to be made of cream cheese!) we could ponder what might happen
when everybody else decides they want their gold back. Or when enough
people, or worse still, enough variously terrifying ‘entities’, try to
cash in their gold futures, or cover their gold shorts, and discover
that there isn’t any gold to be had! Not even a nugget!
Because the pond life have
given away (‘leased’!) your gold!
At
which point, you may be wondering exactly how you can protect yourself
from these perfidious, furiously paddling TYCSCBYDKTEI that are even now
on their way, and the financial devastation they will surely bring in
their beaks. In which case you might consider that if something, like,
say, gold (and silver) has (have) been respected as a store (stores) of
value for at least 40 (some say 60) centuries, by everyone except
LCSDRMPCBCGs, it (they) (gold) (and silver) may have seen quite a few
foul (or fowl) things come and go, while remaining itself (themselves),
unsullied! And there may still be a few beakloads of the good stuff left
for a last few plucky purchasers! Until, suddenly, there aren’t!
And so, if you’re feeling plucky today, and if you sensibly fill
your beak, you may just possibly be able to contemplate looking forward
to a life that, if not awash with banquets and palaces, may at least
offer you some prospect of financial survival. And plenty of tasty
snacks and beer! And all with no need to marry some temperamental
princess, swan or otherwise! Because when princesses get older they do,
of course, turn into frogs!
Submission 12
By: JMR Craig S.
WAFDATEIN
As I hunker in my bunker (sung to the tune “Bungle
in the Jungle”), filling my AR magazines to 29 rounds to drive my OCD
friends crazy (or should it be “CDO” to be perfectly correct?) pondering
the latest financial developments in this crazy, obscene, asinine,
ludicrous, punitive and confiscatory world of ours - I’ve come to the
conclusion We Are Freakin’ Doomed And The End Is Near (WAFDATEIN).
Now I wait for my over priced Keurig to brew my
Donut Shop blend, I decide to power up my tablet to see if, in fact, the
doom has arrived. I go to
usgovernmentdebt.us to peruse the Bogus But Official Data, (BBOD), only
to discover that the current gross federal debt is $17,698,273,916,000.
This does not include state and local debt, nor does it include
unfunded liabilities, i.e. Social Security or Medicare.
Well, from what I remember from my Economics class, in order to
get a true calculation, one must include all necessary data.
Sooooo, I grab my trusty calculator and start insanely adding,
subtracting, carrying the one..
Beads of sweat drip onto the table, my eyes squinting trying to
transpose the 14 digit numbers, I feel the anger building inside as I
draw near to the final calculation of Total US Government Debt for FY
2014 should be, as by my estimate, $21,000,000,000,000!!!
Yes! That’s $21.0 trillion!
And as you can see from my excessive use of punctuation, it is
true- WAFDATEIN!
As I come to from my excessive caffeinated state, I
see that my wife and kids have awoke from their nightly slumber and are
so affectionately giving me “the look”.
Eyes rolling, sighs and a whole bunch of, “the old man is at it
again.” As they all try to
avoid me while at the same time try to suck the old man’s wallet dry of
any greenbacks prior to their evacuation, I slam the doors and lock them
in, as to warn them that WAFDATEIN!
Again the eyes rolling, “we know dad.. That’s all you say
anymore. You’re just crazy.”
CRAZY! I know its
crazy! The unconstitutional,
horrid, evil, foul, filthy Federal Reserve will accumulate an estimated
$21.0 trillion in debt for FY 2014!
An amount so monstrous and suffocating that even Mr. Tulls’
Aqualung will be unable to save us!
I try to ponder just how big of a number that is
and my eyes glaze over like Krispy Kreme donut’s dipped in maple syrup
and then roll back into my head and I start choking and sobbing until my
family thinks I’m dying so they hit me simultaneously with the Heimlich
maneuver and the AED. I wish
it had been an IED instead, but I assure them that it must have been
from the double anchovy pizza I had for breakfast.
The better half and the offspring leave me, The
Totally Freaked Out Grumpy Old Man (TTFOGOM) alone and I hunch over my
tablet trying to figure out how to buy some more gold, silver and oil as
to protect myself from the inevitable onslaught of roaring price
inflation and the destruction of fiat currency.
As I know, and as 4,500 years of history has taught me that
buying gold, silver and oil will Save My Butt And
Make Me Rich Rich Rich! (SMBAMMRRR) So I joyfully, gleefully
boast- Whee, this investing stuff is easy!!